The 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics are officially over. And the USA won the medal count, but it was the Chinese who came away looking golden, with 51 gold medals. We’ll all remember Michael Phelps winning eight golds and shattering records, the Redeem Team getting to stamp Mission Accomplished on their marching orders, and a certain lightning Bolt, who came out of nowhere to claim the title of fastest man to ever live.
But we should also remember that these Olympics also cost two people their lives, and that the China we all saw on NBC’s nonstop coverage is not the China that its billion citizens experience each day. I’m glad it’s over, and I’m glad more people didn’t get hurt. Maybe that sounds glib, but probably not to Hugh McCutcheon.
UPDATE: Since YouTube took down my original video of Rudy facializing Dwight Howard, I had to find another one. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Let me be the first to say I’m glad Team USA won the gold medal. They played like champs and the closed out a tough game against Spain, which was not going to let itself be embarrassed like it was in pool play. So instead of a blowout we got a thrilling 118-107 nailbiter, a game in which the Redeem Team led by a mere four points with two minutes to go.
Not that it matters. The good guys won and those racist Spaniards (Asian-eyes? Really?) go home as first runners-up. But I’m willing to forgive at least one of them, the Blazers new backup guard Rudy Fernandez. My buddy Swan puts it this way: SORRY, but he’s a fucking steal. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Fernandez played with mammoth testicular fortitude against a stacked American team, and better yet, he had the highlight of the game—a crushing facial right onto Dwight Howard’s dome after driving down the lane and rising high above the NBA’S premier big man. Check out the video while it’s still up.
If you just watched the vid or saw the game, you know why the dude wears his first name on his jersey. Let me throw some of Rudy’s stats your way: 7-13 shooting, 5-9 on treys, 3-3 at the line, two boards, two dimes, no turns and 22 huge points to lead his team. And this is against the cream of the League. Look, I’m not saying Manu 2.0 is going to come in and supplant Brandon Roy, but I wouldn’t be too sad about James Jones leaving. That second team offense is going to demolish teams, with Jerrod Bayless, Rudy, Travis or Martell, Frye and the Pryz. Hell, the Knicks would kill to have those guys as starters.
This comic is hilarious and fully explains how I feel about Olympic protesting. Shut up and fucking watch. You know you want to. It just goes to show that at least 99 percent of people who have a problem with the Olympics are full of shit. Just be happy you live in America. Total medal count: 79 and counting.
Props to Dustin Glick. You’re a funny motherfucker, buddy.
Shawn Johnson gets the monkey off her very small back with a gold medel in Beijing.
Damn dude. Virtual midget Shawn Johnson finally got the monkey off her back with a bigtime win over teammate Nastia Liukin on the balance beam to claim her first gold medal in Beijing. While she claims she would never trade her silver medals (and the journalist believes her—that’s called getting snowed and its a bad thing), leaving the land of smog and the cheerfully oppressed with a bunch of silver would be heartbreaking. Think about it: those silvers would just sit on her shelf reminding her she’s a fuck up, and even worse, that she lost out to her “buddy” Nastia.
It’s like a woman who claims she doesn’t want an engagement ring. Yeah fucking right. If I’m at the point where I’m about to sign my life away, the last thing I’m doing is falling for that trick. She’d lord it over you for the rest of your natural and unnatural life. Trust me.
Anyway, back to Johnson. Little girl is 16 and just 4-foot-9. I’ve been having this debate with several friends, but let me put it this way: If she was 18 and still that small, there’s a small chance that I’d find sleeping with her completely stomach turning. Life isn’t just about who you’d sleep with, although if that wasn’t the central debate if you watched her compete with a buddy or two, you probably don’t care what the fuck she looks like. So, Shawn Johnson, congratulations! You’ve given hope to “little people” everywhere.
Critics of Olympic goat Alicia Sacramone better watch out. If you fuck with her, she’ll knock your sorry ass out. This video is fairly famous by now. And yeah, I stumbled across it trolling for pics of her once I realized how smoking she is. See for yourself after the jump.
Beach babes: Kerri Walsh and Misty May are on to the finals in Olympic beach volleyball. Who cares! Do you even know the rules of beach volleyball?
The US volleyball team is on to the finals! Why is this important? Uhh, are you blind? Now that Michael Phelps is done crushing the rest of the world, Kerri Walsh and Misty May are where it’s at. They are dominant and SMOKING. It’s a deadly combination. Just look at gymnast Alicia Sacramone. Hot as hell, but she’s been making the Manning Face all week. I feel bad for her, but shit, failure’s an ugly color on anybody. So were those horrid red outfits. Not pretty.
Luckily for Walsh/May, they don’t wear much of anything to begin with. Team Hotness takes on the Chinese in a no-holds-barred grudge match for gold Thursday. GO USA!
According to some reports in the British media, Michael Phelps and Amanda Beard might be an item. Nice. Not only does the guy go and break a world record with eight gold medals and 14 golds overall, he has to pull the hottest swimmer in the past 20 years. When you’re on top, you’re on top.
This is Jang Mi-Ran, and she does NOT fuck around. Just look at her. She’s built like a brick shithouse, and unlike most of the other female weightlifters, she’s not a half cheeseburger away from her third coronary. Jang set an world record for weightlifting on her way to a gold medal for Korea, and she also gets a coveted place in the “Dark Alley Hall of Fame.” I see this bitch trolling around the backstreets of Seoul, I’m walking the other way.
Welcome to the return of the Beer Garden. This is, seriously, my last attempt at putting out a blog and post with any consistency. But fuck that, I’m excited right now. Preseason football is here, which means that college football is almost here, which means the Blazers are about to open training camp and then begin their campaign of destruction across the Western Conference. I’m sure you’ve all seen Greg Oden’s workout video, but if you haven’t, check it out. He is about three feet thick of nasty, and that last dunk damn near tore the rim down. It’s just insane what this dude is going to do in his career, but right now, I’ll take a 14-10 year and take some of the pressure off of LMA, who got pretty tired down the stretch. As long as Brandon comes back okay, I think we’re set for a run.
In other news, the Oregonian reports that Quizz Rodgers is coming to Corvallis, joining his older brother James. That Beavers backfield is starting to look a bit crowded, and short. Quizz is a listed at a generous 5-foot-6. Paul Buker has all the details from Corvallis.
I don’t need to mention anything about the Olympics, because I’m sure everybody is getting their daily dose of NBC’s non-stop coverage. One thing does bother me, though. UHD is showing nothing but Olympic boxing, women’s basketball and rowing. Boxing is a joke to begin with, and Olympic boxing has found a way to score the sport so that the entertainment value it was still clinging to has finally been clobbered away.
Rowing is just lame. Single person rowing. Doubles. Three, four, six, eight-person boats. There is exactly nothing exciting about people paddling boats in a straight line. It’s worse than NASCAR, and that’s saying something. At least NASCAR has turning. If you’ve even watched more than five minutes of women’s basketball total in the last year, well, we probably wouldn’t get along very well.
Couple of sad sacks have been showing up in the latest news cycle. Carl Pavano—hey, remember me, I won 18 games once—may make a start for the pitching-starved Yankees. Wow, is that team desperate or what? Homey hasn’t pitched in over a year and he’s cashing a fat $11 million paycheck this year. Nice job, Carl. Joining CP45 is former Blazers dud Shawn Kemp. He signed a deal with some Italian team. I’m not even going to bother linking to an article. Kemp needs to hang it up and deal with the fact that he’s fat, unemployed and has about 20 different baby mamas all knocking his door down for some child support. Actually, escaping to Italy doesn’t seem like a bad idea after all. Good luck with that, Shawn!
The Beer Garden, est. 2005, started life as a column in a college daily covering the Trail Blazers, Red Sox and Portland State athletics. It continues to live on in the form of this unambitious blog that celebrates the simple things in life—namely sports, hot chicks, cold beer and the occasional snark attack.
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