Small of America

Shawn Johnson gets the monkey off her very small back with a gold medel in Beijing.

Damn dude. Virtual midget Shawn Johnson finally got the monkey off her back with a bigtime win over teammate Nastia Liukin on the balance beam to claim her first gold medal in Beijing. While she claims she would never trade her silver medals (and the journalist believes her—that’s called getting snowed and its a bad thing), leaving the land of smog and the cheerfully oppressed with a bunch of silver would be heartbreaking. Think about it: those silvers would just sit on her shelf reminding her she’s a fuck up, and even worse, that she lost out to her “buddy” Nastia.

It’s like a woman who claims she doesn’t want an engagement ring. Yeah fucking right. If I’m at the point where I’m about to sign my life away, the last thing I’m doing is falling for that trick. She’d lord it over you for the rest of your natural and unnatural life. Trust me.

Anyway, back to Johnson. Little girl is 16 and just 4-foot-9. I’ve been having this debate with several friends, but let me put it this way: If she was 18 and still that small, there’s a small chance that I’d find sleeping with her completely stomach turning. Life isn’t just about who you’d sleep with, although if that wasn’t the central debate if you watched her compete with a buddy or two, you probably don’t care what the fuck she looks like. So, Shawn Johnson, congratulations! You’ve given hope to “little people” everywhere.